so: a weekend sleeping while the kid spent time with co-parents helped a lot with my general state of mind (& body). sleeping for thirteen hours straight? cannot recommend it highly enough, honestly. fuck, i feel like my brain is actually processing information and producing thoughts again. amazing.
like everyone else in the universe, i've been getting in touch with my inner hippie grandma during this quarantine, and despite not having a garden to grow anything in, i'm doing it anyway. potatoes in bags! herbs on the windowsill! onions in a bottle! cress on a paper towel! i don't even fucking like cress. it tastes terrible. but the kid likes to watch it grow and whispers “wow!” every morning when I show how it's grown overnight and that seems a good enough reason. anyway, today i got two little potato sprouts just peeking out through the soil! fuck yes i am gonna have homegrown potato salad.
also i cleaned my room and it now looks, maybe, like a space in which a human being might feasibly sleep, so that made me feel a little better. clean, fuss over the plants, sleep, take bath, sleep some more, stare at the internet, sleep. keeps my mind off missing the kid and wondering when i'll see my fiance and fretting about my mother, who is isolating with a “probably covid but we've got no tests” respiratory infection, i guess. quarantine's fucking weird. whatever. kid's home tomorrow.
this feels like such an empty and pointless entry. i'm trying to build up the habit of writing here, but haven't quite broken through into the “write down things a little more personal than What I Did Today” zone, I guess. I mean, there's things i would like to talk about, write about in a space designed for more than 500 characters, or I wouldn't have started this. i'm just...
last night i dreamed i had a brain tumour and five weeks to live. i was a strange combination of terrified and weirdly calm, but i was devastated i wouldn't see my kid grow up, and afraid of what death would feel like. it was a very unsettling dream, the kind that when you wake up you take a few minutes to realise, yes, all of that was a dream, and you're so fucking relieved once you've figured that out.
then i fell asleep in the afternoon and had the exact same fucking dream. thanks, subconscious, i hate it.